My Nemesis : It's on like Donkey Kong

Hello Fans and Fanities (female version of a fan, since I decided fan was masculine). I know is its been a while since my last post, but no frets I am back in action. Today I need to address an issue that has been irking me. Enemies.

Everyone has there mortal enemy, their nemesis if you will. Batman has Joker, Superman has Lex Luthor, Blum has Fisher, Bears have the Packers, Christina has Britney - the list goes on and on. Well I have found my Nemesis, it is Stick Figure from the Redeye (Chicago Tribune affilate). Pictured above!

A brief overview of Stick Figure, he looks like a lollipop, he is a contributor to 5 on 5 column in the redeye. He real isn't funny, but thinks he is. I really dislike people who think they are funny, when in reality they aren't.

So Redeye is an on the edge publication, and a good one at that. But I think it is time to wage war on Stick Figure. Not in a violent way, but a funny way. Because, I the Crazy Chicagoan, am the premier funny stick figure in Chicago. I am like Jay Leno / David Letterman he is like that annoying british guy thats on late night. I am like Spurs he is like the Clippers. I am like Will Smith, he is like Martin Short. You get my point.

So I need help, what can we do, to get to the Stick Figure... Please respond with ideas, I think we need to challenge him to something. Not sure what, but something......

Crazy Chicagoans Top 5 Favorite things

The Crazy Chicagoan has been crazy busy, so I am going to try to post as often as possible with my craziness.

So this blog is inspired by Oprah's Favorite List. I have created the Crazy Chicagoans favorite list 2009. So the following are the greatest things according to the Crazy Chicagoan.

1) The water hammock - I don't know if its just me, but sitting in a water hammock is like heaven. It is far superior to a raft because part of your body is in the water. Its comfortable, easy to get into, and hard to tip. The regular hammock is awesome, the water hammock is even better.

2) White Pants / White bottoms of any kind for ladies - I love when summer starts and all the beautiful girls start wearing skimpy clothing. Summer is the time for girls to show off what g*d, or the plastic surgeon gave them. One thing is girls wear a lot more of in the summer is white clothing. There is nothing like a hot girl wearing white, I don't know if girls know it, but most white clothing is see through. We love it, and its awesome. Amen White Pants!

3) Beer Coozies - Keeping your beer cold + funny saying = Crazy Chicagoans Favorite Things List

4) Mr. Skin.com - Hello you can see nude scenes from movies, without having to watch the entire movie. That's awesome. Hello naked Kate Winslet. Goodbye having to watch The Reader.

5) Breakfast - Breakfast rules. Everyone is happier when they have a good breakfast. Breakfast has the most variety of any meal. You can eat eggs, steak, burritos, bacon, pancakes, french toast, etc. Is there anything better that dipping bacon in syrup. Yum.. yay for breakfast, by far the best meal. Also, breakfast happens to be the most inexpensive meal, which also adds to its awesomeness. I haven't begin to talk about cereals, anything that can be endorsed by talking tigers, leprechauns, talking toucans, 3 midgets whose names are noises, etc. has to be awesome. I could eat cereal for every meal. Man do I love breakfast.

Let me know what some of your favorite things are...

Crazy C going out for a beer ---

The Not So Real World

One of the things I hate most in life is calling something, something its not. For example FOX calls its self an objective news station. FALSE. Bullshit. See stations like comedy central, who have shows like "The Daily Show" who advertise themselves as objective. So it's not a problem.

My big problem right now regarding this is the: Real World.

THE SHOW THE REAL WORLD BY NO MEANS DEPICTS "THE REAL WORLD". Putting eight perfect looking people in a multi-million dollar house, in the warmest nicest places, giving them bullshit jobs and manufacturing scenario's to grasp viewers is not the real world. Personally I think we should build a lawsuit against MTV, for false advertising. False advertising by definition:

False advertising or deceptive advertising is the use of false or misleading statements in advertising. As advertising has the potential to persuade people into commercial transactions that they might otherwise avoid, many governments around the world use regulations to control false, deceptive or misleading advertising. Truth in labeling refers to essentially the same concept, that customers have the right to know what they are buying, and that all necessary information should be on the label.

Can't advertising a show which claims that it is reality tv, The Real World, be false advertising. I can claim that me watching the show, concurrently causes a commercial transaction, which would make the grossly false labeling of a show, False advertising. MTV sells shows, thats what they do. And we buy into it. It equals false advertising. ICEMAN, i need your legal expertise on this one.

There is one simple solution to this Real World problem, make The Real World, a Real World show. The Crazy Chicagoan has some suggestions on how to do this.

- The Real World Detroit - 8 people, living in a run down house in downtown Detroit. They can work at an auto stamp plant (8 mile reference) and can fear for there job the whole time they are there. They will be drinking a lot, not because MTV tells them too, because they have to, to forget about the world. There would be nakedness, I suspect some of the girls might whore themselves out to make some extra cash. Whores, Auto Industry, Detriot, Crack, equals a lot of fun on TV. Perfect scenario.

- The Real World XL - I propose putting 7 people who are average or above average weight, who may not be the prettiest people on earth, and 1 girl who is extremely skinny, hot, and a bitch in a house together. When doing this the bitch will be a bitch to everyone and think she is better than everyone else (which is not the case) it will pretty much depict the real world. Only good things can happen when a hottie is mixed with a bunch of notties.

Anyone else have a good real world they should make, let the Crazy Chicagoan know.

Crazy C going out for a beer ----

Super Troopers!

I have had something on my mind for the last couple weeks and it's time to get it off my chest. I have lived in Chicago my whole life and there is something I notice on a regular basis. That is that Chicago Police Officers are out of shape.

I kid you not, I strongly believe I can out run 95% of the Chicago Police Force : The CAPS. I have nothing against the Chicago Police, but they are round. It probably is a side effect of their lifestyles but man, if robbing a place was as easy as out running a Chicago police officer, a lot of places would get robbed. I think a handful of the Chicago Police officers would lose the 50 yard dash in the junior special Olympics.

If that's not bad enough, they no longer walk to street and get some sort of exercise. They are riding their chubby asses around on segways. Which are just as easy to out run. So the obeseness of Chicago Police force got me thinking, If I could have my CRAZY CHICAGOAN POLICE FORCE (CCPF) who would I hire. Let me know what you guys think.

CCPF

1. Usain Bolt - Nobody on this planet would be able to out run him. And he can pick up the smell of marijuana from a mile away/

2. Pacman Jones - My undercover brother. Send him into a strip club, whore house, drug deal and he fits right in. No questions ask. Not to mention he is a good fighter and fast.

3. Rosanne Barr - Master interrogator. No person can listen to this women's voice for 15 mins without wanting to drill their eardrums out. Not to mention she is not much of a looker.

4. Kim Kardashian - Why wouldn't you want her around and in uniform.

5. Bernie Madoff - Master of deception, and can run great fundraisers.

6. Carrot Top- Honestly, have you seen this dude lately. He has to be on some serious steriods. He will add some strength and comedy (someone to laugh at) to the squad.

7. Michael Phelps - Part of our diving / search a rescue / drug unit. Seems like a natural fit.

8. Robocop - He was awesome.

9. A Half - From Cop and a Half, that little kid knew everything.

This is the CrazyChicagoan Police Force, let me know what you guys think..

Crazy C going out for a beer ---

Nicknaming Part 2 - We have a winner

I want to thank everyone who participated in our nicknaming service. We have a clear winner, no need to vote. The person who submitted this nickname will receive a CRAZYCHICAGOAN T-Shirt. Yes I made T-shirts. Logo above is what's on the shirt. Drumroll......................

"Iceman"
submitted by rbrown2697

Rbrown2697 please email me your address, or where you want this shirt sent to, and shirt size to CrazyChicagoan@hotmail.com. They are suppose to come in after labor day, so you should get it in about 2 weeks.

Congrats..

And Congrats to Mike or should I say "Iceman"!!!!

Nicknaming

Hello All! Today I will address the topic of Nicknames, and Nicknaming. Nicknames are something special and funny. Nicknames are bestowed upon people. You cannot give yourself a nickname (Big Poppa / Quarters), you can only earn a nickname.

The NBA has a cool collection of nicknamed players : Flash, The Matrix, The Answer, Shaqtus, Diesel, and the list go on and on.

We also have the celebrity couple nicknames, which are pretty fu*king lame : TomKat, Spidei, Brangelina, and more.

And finally we have our friends nicknames which are usually awkwardly awesome : Bboy, Quarters, Big E, Sweet Baby, The Doo, Pooter, Sensodyne, Doc., Doc Sensodyne and more.

So today I want to do something for a friend of mine, giving back to the world that has given me so much. I want the Crazy Chicagoan and his people (that would be us) to give a nickname to a good friend of mine. We will call him by a generic name: Mike. I will give you a description of him, kind of like a dating website profile (girls don't get excited he is spoken for) and you Crazy Chicagoan will come up with ideas for a nickname, and we will vote until we have a winner.

Mike is pictured above, partying with the Crazy Chicagoan. What would be Mike's Dating profile:

Age Group: 21-29
Body Type: Normal
Height: 5'10
Occupation: Lawyer
Facial Hair: Yes

Interests: Sports, Fantasy Football, Xbox, Poker & Gaming, Amusement Parks, Skillet Cookies (Yum!), Double Dating, Movies(movie minor), Softball Slow Pitching, Girls whose first name and last name begins with B.

Description: Mike is a mild mannered good guy who looks to have fun in his day to day life. He likes to play sports with his nonathletic jewish friends, uphold this country's Constitution in the court of law, and go on dates and adventures with his girlfriend.

What's Different: One thing that stands out about Mike is his girlfriend can probably beat him at most sports. But having said that, it's not Mike's lack of athletic ability, it's his girlfriend abundance of athletic ability.

Okay, now is time for nicknaming, please comment with potential nicknames and reasoning behind it, and the 4 best will be put up for vote.

Crazy C going out for a beer---

IN THE NEWS TODAY...

Hi everyone, I was reading through the news today and came across two very different stories, but both comically ironic.

First story (on espn: http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/news/story?id=4409318)
Headline:

IAAF calls for Semenya gender test

Summary of Story : Basically this female runner from South Africa is awesome, and looks like a dude, so everyone thinks she's a he. And so they are going to give her a gender test. Here is my favorite quote from the story. "

IAAF spokesman Nick Davies said the "extremely complex, difficult" test has been started but that the results were not expected for weeks.

The verification requires a physical medical evaluation, and includes reports from a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist, an internal medicine specialist and an expert on gender.

They are doing a "Gender Test", and they claim it's complex, difficult, and it would take weeks. Pull down the broads pants, look for a wiener, test over. Does it really take a gyno, endocrinologist (I have no clue what that is), psychologist, internist, and gender specialist to figure out of this person has balls or not. On the same note how is someone a gender expert? Can I claim to be a gender expert? I have a pretty good sense on what gender people are.. Just something to think about.

Second Story (on chicagosuntimes.com: http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/1724076,brookfield-zoo-lawsuit-dolphin-081909.article)

Headline:

Woman suing Brookfield Zoo after fall at dolphin exhibit

Summary of Story: Some women was a dumbass and fell at Brookfield Zoo. That same dumbass women is probably broke so is suing the zoo because she was a dumbass. Quote from the story:

"A Chicago woman is suing the Brookfield Zoo, saying she slipped and fell at the dolphin exhibit last year because employees there “recklessly” encouraged the sea mammals to splash water in the stands at the spectators."

Okay, everyone walks through a hotel lobby, restaurant, etc. and wonders how much they could sue a place for slipping. But nobody actual does it. Except this dumbass woman. First thing, she was the dolphin show at Brookfield Zoo, usually there is water involved with that. Water and walking usually makes for slippery conditions. The best part about this dumbass woman is she thinks the problem was employees "recklessly" encouraging the sea mammals to splash water. HAHAHA... are you serious, have you been to sea world, this is what that dolphins do, they jump over things, do tricks, and splash water.

My question is how do you Recklessly encourage a dolphin to do anything. Damn employees were drinking and telling the dolphins to splash water. Damn employees they must not have been looking at the dolphins when telling them to splash water. Dolphins are going to splash, and cheap dumbass woman are going to sue zoos for stupid reasons.

Crazy C going out for a beer ---