This blog is an open forum to talk about the real important issues that need to be talked about. Or just the real funny issues that people want to talk about...(note: My grammar and spelling are terrible, its part of the charm.)
Great photo above, don't know what they are say, but its hysterical.
Anyway I wanted to update all of my readers are the status of Wii Fuck. So as you know I'm developing this great game, and right now I'm writing a pilot for the game. But something was brought to my attention not too long ago by my business partner that could make my game wii fuck, into a reality.
One Catch--- It would no longer be called Wii Fuck, but instead called-----IFUCK----- a new app for your iphones. My business partner altered me that apple is now rating their apps, and allowing some borderline material (http://gizmodo.com/5324809/iwet-t+shirts-yet-another-iphone-app-that-makes-me-shake-my-head-in-shame) we might have a chance. I think apple can give us a X rating that we will so graciously deserve. I am planning to pitch this idea to the makers of Iwet t-shirts relatively soon. So everyone needs to keep their fingers crossed because you could be get ifucked on an iphone soon.
Have a great fuc*ing day
Crazy C going out for a beer----- than going to try to Ifu*k someone...
This weekend was one filled with beer drinking on top of beer drinking. I would like to thank everyone who participated in the weekend. It was a lot of fun. Anyway on to the point of this post. I drink a lot of beer, I love beer, I like to buy beer, I like a lot of different kinds of beer and so every Tuesday I will review all sorts of different beers and grade them.
Today's Beer: Michelob Golden Light, and it got my highest rating of a happy face :). Brief overview of Michelob Golden Light:
Named for after Michelob, a Bohemian village near Saaz, famous for its Saaz Hops. Also named for its Golden color, lightness, and Golden feeling you feel after drinking a case of Michelob Golden light.
My own quick overview, it should be named awesome because MGL is awesome.
Michelob Golden Light is like getting dry humped by your high school girlfriend for the first time. Magical, and left you wanting more. Which is exactly the feeling you get when you sip a Michelob Golden Light. Lucky you can have more. The question is why is this such a good beer?
Answer:
Crazy Chicagoan six criteria for rating beer:
1. Smell : Must not stank.... Michelob Golden Light smells like fresh Beer (4/5)
2. Appearance: Great coloring, not a lot of head, bubbles bubbling, cool (not rounded) can. Testimonial from Aaron Heller: "The can is awesome, as it isnt like any other beer can i have ever seen!" MGLscores a (5/5)
3. Ability to Drink Large quantities of it: Testimonial from Dan Raffe :
"you can drink it for 12 hours straight and not have any regrets" (5/5)
4. Hangover affect: I drank all day, and was able to get up and drink all day again. (5/5)
5. BS affect: The way a Beer affects your sh*ts. Everything was solid. (5/5)
6. Sex Appeal: Do you look sexy drinking this beer, will this beer lead to more sex: Yes and Yes (4/5)
MGL scores an impressive 28/30.
The only con to MGL it is a little difficult to get. It's available in Wisconsin and Minnesota, and they are starting to carry it in Chicago. It was spotted at the new awesome Jewel in the West Loop.
Overall Michelob Golden Light is a great light beer that leads to happy endings. I highly recommend it if you plan to drink a lot. Or I recommend it if you plan to drink a little. I don't recommend it if you plan not to drink. Because you don't plan to drink.
40 years ago this week we set foot on the moon. I would like to take some time to reflect on how hard and complicated a task walking on the moon was.
Every step of the process was extremely advanced, building a spaceship, training an astronaut, building spacesuits, etc. The list could go on forever. It is truly amazing what we were able to do 40 years ago. But at the same time I find myself asking If 40 years ago we could launch a spaceship, land and walk on the move, why can't we do things like:
- Have a properly working transit system (CTA you blow) - Have properly funded and well maintained schools (CPS congratulations on sucking) - Have a health care system that provides people with health care they need at a price they can afford - Find a terrorist (Osama) who lives under rocks in the Middle East (Seriously we can't find this fu*king guy) - Drive on the highway without traffic - Get a Cubbies World Series - Have a MOG (half man, half dog: Spaceballs anyone)
The list could on and on. The point is we have done some pretty amazing things in the past 40 years, but some simple necessary tasks have not been solved. I don't like to get political, but I feel that way too much money is being spent on things like sending people to the moon to look for aliens, and not enough money on our basic necessities.
Specificly I would like to talk about three different species:
- Cougars - Pumas - MILF'S
A brief description all on all three. MILF is the most common term, made popular by the movie American Pie, MILF is an acronym for mother I would like to fuck. Pretty self explanatory.
Cougar, is an older lady (over the age of 35) who dates younger guys. (Demi Moore is a classic cougar).
Lastly, and my favorite, a Puma, is a younger woman (under the age of 35) who aspires to be, or is developing into a Cougar.
Here is why I'm writing about this subject, we have all of these terms for the females, but there aren't terms for males. Seems weired that its cool for an older lady to date a younger man, and she is consider a Cougar. Cougars are pretty awesome. But an older dude who dates a younger women is known as a pedophile. Not Fair. So I am hear to put an end to all that is unfair. I want to propose that the following terms are put into play.
- Condor: A man who dates women who are younger Ex: Condor is a brave bird, with a long wingspan, and dangerous talons. Much like a man who dares to date younger. - Shark: A man who goes after girls who are already in another relationship Ex: Sharks are strong creatures who are always swimming in rocky waters. And they love tail. - Falcon - F.athers who A.warkdly L.ust after C.hicks O.ver N.ineteen. - Wombat - W.ild O.ld M.en B.oinking A.ttractive T.eenagers
I think these are sufficient, I hope to be a wombat someday (joking). Please feel free to use these freely and openly. And I would love to hear any other terms that people come up with.
Before I get to today's blog, I want to inform all of my avid fans that I will indeed be pitching Wii Fuck to a video game developer. I am writing a proposal, and will let everyone know how things go.
On to the random dancing man, it was suggest to me by a close friend to address the issue of the random dude that dances all alone to try to get attention and tries to get girls to dance with him. The Random Dancing Man, or Ran-Dan-Man, as I like to call it. The Ran-Dan-Man is an interesting species. Lets go over the characteristics of a Ran-Dan-Man:
A- Dances alone on any dance floor B- This species dance moves are not good, they flails their arms and gyrate body, like a flamingo having a seizure. C- This species is known for dancing in close proximity to women in hopes they will dance with them. D- They wear unusually tight, flashy, and downright offensive clothing
These are the general characteristics of a Ran-Dan-Man. To sum up what I'm trying to say, these pathetic dudes dance alone to try to bring attention to themselves, and try to dance with girls in the hope that they will hook up.
Here is the message I want to send to the Ran-Dan-Men across the country. You are lame, your dance moves suck, and you aren't going to hook up with girls by trying to dance with them. I hate that these random dudes will try to start dancing with anyone: Girlfriends, lesbians, wives, etc. Have some respect Ran-Dan-Man, I don't want you dancing with my girl.
I also feel bad for the girls who get roped into dancing with these guys and don't know how to get the Ran-Dan-Man away. I have been in many rescue missions to get Ran-Dan-Men off of certain girls. You can see these girls giving you "the look", the GET THIS FU*KING CREEP OFF OF ME look.
All I'm saying to the Random Dancing Guy, you aren't ever going to get girls by randoming dancing around hoping a girl will notice you. Everyone thinks you are creppy....
Let me know what you think of the Ran-Dan-Man, I'm not a fan.
A couple weekends ago my friends and I came up with a great idea for a Wii video game. The game is appropriately titled Wii Fuck. With the Wii Fuck video game also comes the Wii Fuck video game belt. Which you wear during the game and simulate the thrusting motion of sex.
Basis of the game: You create a character, male or female, and you start your adventure. The ultimate goal is to have sex with many people, to become a sex master / sex icon if you will. But nothing comes easy in the Wii Fuck world.
You need to go around to bars and other community places and work your "game" on potential sex partners. There are a series of mini games which if you complete, makes it easier to pick up potential mates. Mini games will help your character: become more appealing to potential mates, will give your character better pick-up lines, will help your character analyze potential mates for possible problems better, will help your character become better at Wii Fucking so you can have repeat sex etc.
So on to the part everyone wants to know about the actual Wii Fucking. To successfullywii fuck a partner, one must thrust using the Wii belt, hard enough and long enough to satisfy that particular girls wii fuck meter. Note: Different mates have different wii fuck meters. (i.e., more experienced girls take longer, etc.)
Wii Fuck obstacles: There are always obstacles in games same goes for Wii Fuck. Example obstacles are:
- Money problems - don't spend to much buying mates drinks, because you are on a budget. - Adult beverages - Be careful, if you give a potential mate to many drinks there could be problems. - Wrap it up - You have the option in Wii Fuck to wear protection if you do its harder successfullywii fuck someone. But, if you don't wrap it up, you could end up with kids or diseases. Which ultimately makes it very hard to find mates. (Note: Crazy Chicagoan always encourages people to have safe sex, Wii or not.) - Be careful - You don't want to have Wii sex with underage people, that will land you in jail.
Those are some examples of obstacles.
Overall you get the idea of the game, I hope you enjoy, and I'm open for suggestions or comments.
NOTE: THIS IS ALL FOR FUN, DON'T TAKE ANYTHING IN HERE TO SERIOUSLY......
Alright so today I am blogging about something that I don't like and annoys me very much. No I'm not going to talk about White Sox fans, Sarah Palin or Al Sharpton. I'm going to talk about my mom, and mothers all over the world being on facebook.
Facebook needs an age maximum, nobody over the age of 35 should be allowed on facebook. They should make a separate facebook for them. Here is why I believe mothers or anyone over the age of 35 should be allowed on facebook.
Facebook is a place where tweens, teens and young adults spend hours a day posting pictures, planning there social life, joking with friends, stalking people they use to like, stalking people they hate, etc. Personally I feel there is a lot of stuff on facebook that is personal and inappropriate for mothers to see. Most people go out on a Friday and Saturday night, and can see their night in pictures the morning after. If you asked me if I would want my mother to see what I do on Friday and Saturday nights. I like most other people I know would say no.
Its awkward having your mom comment on photos. Like everyone on facebook I have pictures of myself drinking excessively, doing other inappropriate recreational activities, pictures where all of my clothes may not be properly on, among other wild activities that take place during social activities. Not only does she comment of photos, she makes comments to my friends about their status messages, she posts on their walls.
Facebook is very much like the basement in high school. Teens do there teen things down there, and parents stay away. It should be the same for facebook. Parents stay away.
Mom, get off of facebook.... (note: I love my mother, but facebook is no place for her. In her eyes I'm still Innocent, and I would hate for her to know the truth.)
Its good to be back blogging after a long relaxing 4th of July weekend. One common occurrence of the 4th of July weekend is, people are handle fire a lot. Conventionally of course: lighting bonfires, fireworks, sparklers, bug candles etc. This got me thinking about the way kids across America learn about fire, and what to do if there is an accident.
If I remember correctly in about second grade we learn that if we were to catch on fire we should: STOP...... DROP..... AND ROLL. We practiced it in school, we went over it multiple times, it was drilled into our heads. I commend schools for doing such a noble thing, but I think STOP... DROP... AND... ROLL needs to be revised.
Being an expert on all things, I decided STOP....DROP.... AND ROLL.... is f**king stupid and outdated. If I ever caught on fire (knock on wood, I have not up to this point in my life) the last thing I would do is STOP. I'm suppose to STOP and think about myself burning, and then proceed to the next step. NOOOOO.... it should be DROP AND ROLL. If you are on fire either grab a fire extinguisher or drop and f**king roll like your life depends on it, cause it does. STOP is a unnecessary, harmful step in this process.
Luckly, people don't catch on fire all that often, but I would hate for someone to get hurt because they STOPPED before they dropped and rolled. So lesson today, if you catch on fire, drop and roll. Nothing else required.
I was going to blog about something else today, but something happen last night that was a first for me.
I became an intramural sport champion! In a legit sportsmonster highest level tennis league, my team the "Natural Bjorn Winners" took home the title. I never thought this would mean so much to me but it does. Let me give you a little history on my intramural sport experiences.
Intramural sports first came into my life as in college. It started off with football, and as we practiced we looked good, we had plays, positions, coaches and more. We had the whole nine yards which is about as many yards as we averaged a game. I thought we would be able to succeed in the University of Illinois intramural football league. Little did I know that when I walked onto the field with AE∏ on my jersey I was an instant laughing stock. To say the least every other team was bigger, faster, stronger, better passers, better catches, could jump higher, etc. So football was not going to work.
Next, I moved on to basketball, which I thought I was decent at. We played basketball all the time at our frat house, and I was pretty good on the court. So we decided to take it to the intramural court. Again same result, we would get slaughtered every game, lots of fighting between teammates, an overall disaster. Every other team again was bigger, faster, stronger, better shooters, rebounding, etc.
I thought we found our calling with a little known sport called Broomball. This is played on the ice, so being fast doesn't really help. Even being fat can have an advantage, especially when playing goalie. But again everyone was better than us, faster, stronger, scored more, etc.
Moving on, to Dodge ball. I really thought we had found a winner here. All we had to do is get out of the way of sh*t. Not that hard. Season rolls around and we are playing great. We go undefeated in the regular season. We cruise through the playoffs and on to the finals we go. Coming into the finals I thought this was my chance, a golden opportunity. And then walked in the DODGING ILLINI. Those fu*kers, a school dodge ball team, that played nationally, it was ridiculous. They had plays, formations, kill moves. We got killed, wiped off the floors by this group of losers that spend 10 hours a day playing dodge ball. Fu*k you Dodging Illini. Again another intramural disaster.
That was the end of college intramural sports, but now we were out of college still nonathletic but we were smarter. We thought we out smarted the system when we signed up for the JCC (Jewish Community Center) basketball league. Finally, playing against 5'6 - 5'10 hairy, slow jewish kids like ourselves. WRONG. We turned out the be the only jews, and only nonathletic team in the league and again leading to disaster. (note: We did beat a team of randoms)
I was really down after that, until now that is, because I have been given new life.
I would like to give much thanks to Hillary, Becca, and Blum my beloved "Natural Bjorn Winners" tennis teammates. We were solid throughout the entire season, made it through rain outs, freezing weather, unbearable heat, breakdowns, broken rackets, and a occasional lose. But when pushed up against a wall, the Natural Bjorn Winners pushed back with force. Last night in a double header, under the lights on Waveland and Lakeshore, The Natural Bjorn Winners brought home a smashing victory. "The Natural Bjorn Winners", will forever have a special place in my heart. Thank you guys!
