What I do

This blog is an open forum to talk about the real important issues that need to be talked about. Or just the real funny issues that people want to talk about...(note: My grammar and spelling are terrible, its part of the charm.)

Friday, October 23, 2009

Cold Hard Cash


Hello all Crazy Chicagoan Fans, I am back from my hiatus... You will be getting a flurry of new posts in the upcoming days. Also, those of you who have been promised shirts, they went out today so you should be getting them shortly. Sorry for the delay.

Anyway today's post is about a story I read in the news, let me highlight it for.

A Chinese-Mexican businessman arrested after police found a $205 million stash of cash in his Mexico City mansion has told U.S. prosecutors he sold tons of a chemical used to make methamphetamine on the black market, a top Mexican official told The Associated Press.

Zhenli Ye Gon's lawyers, who are fighting efforts to extradite him to Mexico from the United States, vehemently deny their client admitted anything illegal and call the report misinformation intended to sway public opinion against him.

Mexico's deputy attorney general in charge of extraditions, Leopoldo Velarde Ortiz, said U.S. prosecutors told him about conversations with Ye Gon in which he said he sold tons of a chemical used to make methamphetamine on the black market.

The information was given to Mexican authorities "informally" and U.S. officials have not yet provided transcripts of the conversations or specifics of Ye Gon's account, Velarde said.

"We know that in the interviews he had with prosecutors in the United States, he admitted his responsibility in the commission of the crimes he was accused of," Velarde told AP in an interview this week.

Asked whether Ye Gon, 46, had admitted selling methamphetamine precursors on the black market, Velarde said: "That's it, exactly."

Spokeswoman Laura Sweeney said the Justice Department would have no comment.

The case against Ye Gon burst open in March 2007 when police raided his house in Mexico City's fanciest neighborhood and found more than $205 million in cash — mostly in $100 bills — stuffed into a closet and a wall. It was the largest drug-related cash seizure in history.


Ya its bad that this Chinese - Mexican man is selling products to produce Meth. But here is what interest me, the man had 205 million dollars in CASH. 100 dollar bills!!! That's apprx 2 million, 100 dollar bills. That is crazy, how do you stash all of that money. In a closet wall, I mean that had to be one huge storage place. 2 million of anything takes up a lot of space. How does somebody obtain that much money without anyone else knowing. Some random guy pulls out 2oo million dollars in cash from the bank and goes and buys drugs. Its absurd! But wait there is more.

Ye Gon, who was born in Shanghai and became a Mexican citizen in 2002, was in the United States at the time; he kept a mistress and a Lamborghini in Las Vegas.

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration says Ye Gon lost more than $120 million gambling over the years, and Ye Gon himself spoke of betting $150,000 a hand at baccarat. He said he was such a treasured customer that the Venetian Resort Hotel Casino gave him a small token of its appreciation: a Rolls-Royce.

Where should I start? The fact that he has lost 120 million dollars gambling. How bad are you gambling, he must have taken the Washington Generals every night, I mean come on they a due for a win. Or the fact that he has kept a mistress and a Lambo in Vegas. Doesn't everyone have a mistress in vegas, they cost 100 bucks on any corner. Where does he keep this Lambo, why didn't he buy a house in vegas. Answer: When he went to pay for it in 100 dollar bills, the sellers got a little suspicious. My last and final question is why is a baller like this gambling at the Venetian? Cesar's anyone, Bellagio, Wynn, way nicer....


Here is the full article - pretty funny stuff.. I bet his mom makes a killer General Tso's Taco.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091023/ap_on_bi_ge/lt_drug_war_205_million_man

Crazy C going out for a ton of beers tonight ------ (Everyone watch out)





Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Dr. Suess - Jon & Kate I Hate (by Crazy Chicagoan)



If there is one thing that makes me irate,
It is Jon & Kate plus Eight.

These stupid fuckers
take up all the news time
just to make a lousy dime.

Our country has bigger problems at hand
Jon & Kate should be fucking banned.

Every time I hear about Jon & Kate plus Eight
I want to slit my throat with a rusty Ice-Skate.

High School brutality has become an after school sport
But no one hears about it, Because Jon & Kate wouldn't just abort

Our country is running out of money at an alarming rate
But no one can hear about it, because those fucking bastards Jon & Kate

Every time I hear about Jon & Kate plus Eight
I want to slit my throat with a rusty Ice-Skate.

Our health care system does nothing and its really been sucking
But the media would rather report on who Jon has been fucking

I could care less if Kate is a bitch and on the view crying
I want to hear why our fat Mayor Daley has been lying

When American watches Kate and her kids prancing around the farm
They are ignoring all the starving kids who are barely lift an arm.

The media is as much to blame
for creating Jon & Kate unworthy fame.

But who cares that California can't afford to keep kids in school
because Jon went out last night in Vegas and acted a fool

Jon is Dick and Kate is whore
please media don't air them any more!

In Final,

Every time I hear about Jon & Kate plus Eight
I want to slit my throat with a rusty Ice-Skate.


Crazy C going out for a beer ------

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Best Movie Bands of All-Time


I want to start off by apologizing for my lack of posting last week. The Crazy Chicagoan was really Crazy.

Today's blog will feature a poll, and it is all about the best movie bands of all time. There have been a lot of good movie bands, and here is who I think the Top 5 are and why:

This is Spinal Tap: By far the funniest movie that featured a band. This Heavy Metal Band rocked out and had some extremely wild behavior. Spinal Tap artist featured wild long hair, great facial hair, and they were loud as hell. Great Movie, Great Band

Wyld Stallyns - Bill and Ted, need I say more. The Wyld Stallyns created a universe, battled evil Us'es, and did a history report. They rocked out like none other, and played amazing air guitars. Met legends like Abe Lincoln, Gangus Kahn, So--crates, etc. This band is legendary, and had a great publicist (George Karlin). Great spelling of the band name as well, I would have spelled it like that.

Oneders (pronouced wonders) - Had one amazing hit song "That Thing You Do". Had a great drummer nicknamed shades, there one groupie was Liv Tyler (pretty hot), and even had a fill in base player called the wolfman. Does it get any better than that. They could have give the Beatles a ride for there money, if they were real.

The Dan Band- I know this is a wedding bang, but come on, they fucking need you more than ever. The Dan Band played some pretty great weddings, and had no problem using some choice language. Any band that can drop the f-bomb like this deserves to be on the best movie band list. The Hangover and Old School two comedy greats.

Stillwater - The rock and roll band from Almost Famous. They probably played the best music of all of the bands. Had extremely hot groupies, that counts for a lot. Did a lot of drugs, that makes for good music. Not to mention the lead singer was banging Kate Hudson (got naked in the movie). Stillwater was a over all solid movie band.

My favorite, should be no surprise to anyone, THE WYLD STALLYNS, vote for yours, or choose other and tell us what that other is....

Crazy C going out for a beer----


Friday, September 18, 2009

The Skinny on Lingerie Football



Football has become the most popular sport in America. Mesmerizing millions of men and women during fall and winter months. A bunch of overweight, over steroided (made up word), and overpaid men in tights beating the hell out of each other. Personally, I am a huge football fan, I live and die by the Chicago Bears. But now Chicago has a new football team on the horizon.

The CHICAGO BLISS, that's right, Chicago's very own Lingerie Football team. I have never been to a game, or actually seen one live. I have watched numerous clips on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB_6qhLYpCs&feature=related) and read articles on the team. A couple FACTS that I have come to realize.

- 95% of these girls have no athletic talent
- 99% of these girls have never played football before
- 85% of these girls can't spell football, touchdown, first down or kickoff
- 100% of them are hot and wear lingerie!!

My first thought was, amazing, hot girls, wearing nothing, playing football. Does it get any better than that? My second thought was, these girls are terrible at football and are ruining the game. My third thought was man I love it when hot girls run. My fourth thought was man these girls are running like chickens with mental problems.

Here is the thing, I feel bad for the girls that are participating in Lingerie football for the following reasons:

A. Nobody is ever going to take you serious
B. You could be make a lot more money stripping; especially with the right clientele.
C. A lot of creepy old men watch football, and are now going to stalk you. (slapping the base man!)

I think that if somebody put together a legit women's football league, people would watch. I think Lingerie Football is hurting women more than they know. This league is basically mocking women, and catering to men's egos. They should call this what it is, "skinny bit**es wearing nothing, running around with a ball"

Thats what I have to say about that....

Crazy C going out for a beer..............................

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My Nemesis : It's on like Donkey Kong

Hello Fans and Fanities (female version of a fan, since I decided fan was masculine). I know is its been a while since my last post, but no frets I am back in action. Today I need to address an issue that has been irking me. Enemies.

Everyone has there mortal enemy, their nemesis if you will. Batman has Joker, Superman has Lex Luthor, Blum has Fisher, Bears have the Packers, Christina has Britney - the list goes on and on. Well I have found my Nemesis, it is Stick Figure from the Redeye (Chicago Tribune affilate). Pictured above!

A brief overview of Stick Figure, he looks like a lollipop, he is a contributor to 5 on 5 column in the redeye. He real isn't funny, but thinks he is. I really dislike people who think they are funny, when in reality they aren't.

So Redeye is an on the edge publication, and a good one at that. But I think it is time to wage war on Stick Figure. Not in a violent way, but a funny way. Because, I the Crazy Chicagoan, am the premier funny stick figure in Chicago. I am like Jay Leno / David Letterman he is like that annoying british guy thats on late night. I am like Spurs he is like the Clippers. I am like Will Smith, he is like Martin Short. You get my point.

So I need help, what can we do, to get to the Stick Figure... Please respond with ideas, I think we need to challenge him to something. Not sure what, but something......

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Crazy Chicagoans Top 5 Favorite things


The Crazy Chicagoan has been crazy busy, so I am going to try to post as often as possible with my craziness.

So this blog is inspired by Oprah's Favorite List. I have created the Crazy Chicagoans favorite list 2009. So the following are the greatest things according to the Crazy Chicagoan.

1) The water hammock - I don't know if its just me, but sitting in a water hammock is like heaven. It is far superior to a raft because part of your body is in the water. Its comfortable, easy to get into, and hard to tip. The regular hammock is awesome, the water hammock is even better.

2) White Pants / White bottoms of any kind for ladies - I love when summer starts and all the beautiful girls start wearing skimpy clothing. Summer is the time for girls to show off what g*d, or the plastic surgeon gave them. One thing is girls wear a lot more of in the summer is white clothing. There is nothing like a hot girl wearing white, I don't know if girls know it, but most white clothing is see through. We love it, and its awesome. Amen White Pants!

3) Beer Coozies - Keeping your beer cold + funny saying = Crazy Chicagoans Favorite Things List

4) Mr. Skin.com - Hello you can see nude scenes from movies, without having to watch the entire movie. That's awesome. Hello naked Kate Winslet. Goodbye having to watch The Reader.

5) Breakfast - Breakfast rules. Everyone is happier when they have a good breakfast. Breakfast has the most variety of any meal. You can eat eggs, steak, burritos, bacon, pancakes, french toast, etc. Is there anything better that dipping bacon in syrup. Yum.. yay for breakfast, by far the best meal. Also, breakfast happens to be the most inexpensive meal, which also adds to its awesomeness. I haven't begin to talk about cereals, anything that can be endorsed by talking tigers, leprechauns, talking toucans, 3 midgets whose names are noises, etc. has to be awesome. I could eat cereal for every meal. Man do I love breakfast.

Let me know what some of your favorite things are...

Crazy C going out for a beer ---

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Not So Real World

One of the things I hate most in life is calling something, something its not. For example FOX calls its self an objective news station. FALSE. Bullshit. See stations like comedy central, who have shows like "The Daily Show" who advertise themselves as objective. So it's not a problem.

My big problem right now regarding this is the: Real World.

THE SHOW THE REAL WORLD BY NO MEANS DEPICTS "THE REAL WORLD". Putting eight perfect looking people in a multi-million dollar house, in the warmest nicest places, giving them bullshit jobs and manufacturing scenario's to grasp viewers is not the real world. Personally I think we should build a lawsuit against MTV, for false advertising. False advertising by definition:

False advertising
or deceptive advertising is the use of false or misleading statements in advertising. As advertising has the potential to persuade people into commercial transactions that they might otherwise avoid, many governments around the world use regulations to control false, deceptive or misleading advertising. Truth in labeling refers to essentially the same concept, that customers have the right to know what they are buying, and that all necessary information should be on the label.

Can't advertising a show which claims that it is reality tv, The Real World, be false advertising. I can claim that me watching the show, concurrently causes a commercial transaction, which would make the grossly false labeling of a show, False advertising. MTV sells shows, thats what they do. And we buy into it. It equals false advertising. ICEMAN, i need your legal expertise on this one.

There is one simple solution to this Real World problem, make The Real World, a Real World show. The Crazy Chicagoan has some suggestions on how to do this.

- The Real World Detroit - 8 people, living in a run down house in downtown Detroit. They can work at an auto stamp plant (8 mile reference) and can fear for there job the whole time they are there. They will be drinking a lot, not because MTV tells them too, because they have to, to forget about the world. There would be nakedness, I suspect some of the girls might whore themselves out to make some extra cash. Whores, Auto Industry, Detriot, Crack, equals a lot of fun on TV. Perfect scenario.

- The Real World XL - I propose putting 7 people who are average or above average weight, who may not be the prettiest people on earth, and 1 girl who is extremely skinny, hot, and a bitch in a house together. When doing this the bitch will be a bitch to everyone and think she is better than everyone else (which is not the case) it will pretty much depict the real world. Only good things can happen when a hottie is mixed with a bunch of notties.

Anyone else have a good real world they should make, let the Crazy Chicagoan know.

Crazy C going out for a beer ----


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Super Troopers!


I have had something on my mind for the last couple weeks and it's time to get it off my chest. I have lived in Chicago my whole life and there is something I notice on a regular basis. That is that Chicago Police Officers are out of shape.

I kid you not, I strongly believe I can out run 95% of the Chicago Police Force : The CAPS. I have nothing against the Chicago Police, but they are round. It probably is a side effect of their lifestyles but man, if robbing a place was as easy as out running a Chicago police officer, a lot of places would get robbed. I think a handful of the Chicago Police officers would lose the 50 yard dash in the junior special Olympics.

If that's not bad enough, they no longer walk to street and get some sort of exercise. They are riding their chubby asses around on segways. Which are just as easy to out run. So the obeseness of Chicago Police force got me thinking, If I could have my CRAZY CHICAGOAN POLICE FORCE (CCPF) who would I hire. Let me know what you guys think.

CCPF

1. Usain Bolt - Nobody on this planet would be able to out run him. And he can pick up the smell of marijuana from a mile away/

2. Pacman Jones - My undercover brother. Send him into a strip club, whore house, drug deal and he fits right in. No questions ask. Not to mention he is a good fighter and fast.

3. Rosanne Barr - Master interrogator. No person can listen to this women's voice for 15 mins without wanting to drill their eardrums out. Not to mention she is not much of a looker.

4. Kim Kardashian - Why wouldn't you want her around and in uniform.

5. Bernie Madoff - Master of deception, and can run great fundraisers.

6. Carrot Top- Honestly, have you seen this dude lately. He has to be on some serious steriods. He will add some strength and comedy (someone to laugh at) to the squad.

7. Michael Phelps - Part of our diving / search a rescue / drug unit. Seems like a natural fit.

8. Robocop - He was awesome.

9. A Half - From Cop and a Half, that little kid knew everything.

This is the CrazyChicagoan Police Force, let me know what you guys think..

Crazy C going out for a beer ---

Nicknaming Part 2 - We have a winner





I want to thank everyone who participated in our nicknaming service. We have a clear winner, no need to vote. The person who submitted this nickname will receive a CRAZYCHICAGOAN T-Shirt. Yes I made T-shirts. Logo above is what's on the shirt. Drumroll......................

"Iceman"
submitted by rbrown2697

Rbrown2697 please email me your address, or where you want this shirt sent to, and shirt size to CrazyChicagoan@hotmail.com. They are suppose to come in after labor day, so you should get it in about 2 weeks.

Congrats..

And Congrats to Mike or should I say "Iceman"!!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Nicknaming

Hello All! Today I will address the topic of Nicknames, and Nicknaming. Nicknames are something special and funny. Nicknames are bestowed upon people. You cannot give yourself a nickname (Big Poppa / Quarters), you can only earn a nickname.

The NBA has a cool collection of nicknamed players : Flash, The Matrix, The Answer, Shaqtus, Diesel, and the list go on and on.

We also have the celebrity couple nicknames, which are pretty fu*king lame : TomKat, Spidei, Brangelina, and more.

And finally we have our friends nicknames which are usually awkwardly awesome : Bboy, Quarters, Big E, Sweet Baby, The Doo, Pooter, Sensodyne, Doc., Doc Sensodyne and more.

So today I want to do something for a friend of mine, giving back to the world that has given me so much. I want the Crazy Chicagoan and his people (that would be us) to give a nickname to a good friend of mine. We will call him by a generic name: Mike. I will give you a description of him, kind of like a dating website profile (girls don't get excited he is spoken for) and you Crazy Chicagoan will come up with ideas for a nickname, and we will vote until we have a winner.

Mike is pictured above, partying with the Crazy Chicagoan. What would be Mike's Dating profile:

Age Group: 21-29
Body Type: Normal
Height: 5'10
Occupation: Lawyer
Facial Hair: Yes

Interests: Sports, Fantasy Football, Xbox, Poker & Gaming, Amusement Parks, Skillet Cookies (Yum!), Double Dating, Movies(movie minor), Softball Slow Pitching, Girls whose first name and last name begins with B.

Description: Mike is a mild mannered good guy who looks to have fun in his day to day life. He likes to play sports with his nonathletic jewish friends, uphold this country's Constitution in the court of law, and go on dates and adventures with his girlfriend.

What's Different: One thing that stands out about Mike is his girlfriend can probably beat him at most sports. But having said that, it's not Mike's lack of athletic ability, it's his girlfriend abundance of athletic ability.

Okay, now is time for nicknaming, please comment with potential nicknames and reasoning behind it, and the 4 best will be put up for vote.

Crazy C going out for a beer---

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

IN THE NEWS TODAY...

Hi everyone, I was reading through the news today and came across two very different stories, but both comically ironic.

First story (on espn: http://sports.espn.go.com/oly/news/story?id=4409318)
Headline:

IAAF calls for Semenya gender test

Summary of Story : Basically this female runner from South Africa is awesome, and looks like a dude, so everyone thinks she's a he. And so they are going to give her a gender test. Here is my favorite quote from the story. "

IAAF spokesman Nick Davies said the "extremely complex, difficult" test has been started but that the results were not expected for weeks.

The verification requires a physical medical evaluation, and includes reports from a gynecologist, endocrinologist, psychologist, an internal medicine specialist and an expert on gender.

They are doing a "Gender Test", and they claim it's complex, difficult, and it would take weeks. Pull down the broads pants, look for a wiener, test over. Does it really take a gyno, endocrinologist (I have no clue what that is), psychologist, internist, and gender specialist to figure out of this person has balls or not. On the same note how is someone a gender expert? Can I claim to be a gender expert? I have a pretty good sense on what gender people are.. Just something to think about.

Second Story (on chicagosuntimes.com: http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/1724076,brookfield-zoo-lawsuit-dolphin-081909.article)

Headline:

Woman suing Brookfield Zoo after fall at dolphin exhibit

Summary of Story: Some women was a dumbass and fell at Brookfield Zoo. That same dumbass women is probably broke so is suing the zoo because she was a dumbass. Quote from the story:

"A Chicago woman is suing the Brookfield Zoo, saying she slipped and fell at the dolphin exhibit last year because employees there “recklessly” encouraged the sea mammals to splash water in the stands at the spectators."

Okay, everyone walks through a hotel lobby, restaurant, etc. and wonders how much they could sue a place for slipping. But nobody actual does it. Except this dumbass woman. First thing, she was the dolphin show at Brookfield Zoo, usually there is water involved with that. Water and walking usually makes for slippery conditions. The best part about this dumbass woman is she thinks the problem was employees "recklessly" encouraging the sea mammals to splash water. HAHAHA... are you serious, have you been to sea world, this is what that dolphins do, they jump over things, do tricks, and splash water.

My question is how do you Recklessly encourage a dolphin to do anything. Damn employees were drinking and telling the dolphins to splash water. Damn employees they must not have been looking at the dolphins when telling them to splash water. Dolphins are going to splash, and cheap dumbass woman are going to sue zoos for stupid reasons.

Crazy C going out for a beer ---

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Iffy Stiffy

I recently did a bit of traveling and a couple things puzzled me about airports / airplanes.

One thing I was trying to rationalize is the selling of pornographic material in airports. As we all know there are many magazine kiosks and stores in an airport. You can get any magazine from people, time, ESPN, sporting news. Some magazines that I felt shouldn't be sold in airport magazine stores Playboy, Penthouse, Ebony, etc.

Why would you ever need to look a dirty magazine in an airport, or worse on an airplane.

Gross!

Even if you secretly look at a porn on a plane (great name for a movie) what's going to happen. You will get an "iffy stiffy". The name I give to getting an erection at inopportune time. Girls I know its hard to understand but sometimes you just get hard, and can't control it.

I'm going to put a poll up to vote on the worst iffy stiffy moment, Please vote.

Anyway, you are just going to pull it out and wack it on the plane. Doubtful. Nobody is going to wack it on the plane. Also, what if you do whip out Penthouse after you reach 10,000 miles you think the stranger sit next to you is going to be cool with you looking and girls eat each other out mid flight. NOPE. Porns on planes are no good for anyone.

While we are on the subject. People who have say they are members of the "mile high club". LIARS. Its hard enough for one person to get into an airplane bathroom, let alone two.

Another thing that I noticed while traveling is how awesome SKYMALL magazine is. You can buy anything in that thing.

Top 5 things in SkyMall Magazine:

1) The Impressor - Electronic Meat Tenderizer = Awesome
2) Truck Antlers - What every Redneck needs.
3) The Worlds Largest Crossword puzzle - Perfect or the worlds biggest loser
4) At Home Oxygen Bar - If your oxygen home just isn't cutting it.
5) Zombie of Montclaire Moors - Pretty much a it looks like a Zombie is coming from your lawn, classic.

http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102876212&c=10510


Let me know your thoughts on these subjects, and please vote on the "iffy stiffy" moments.

Crazy C going out for a beer -----





Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Beer Review: Coors Light aka. Silver Bullet

Today is going to be my weekly Beer Review: Silver Bullet edition, and I want to talk about my beef with bottle openers.

Coors Light, or the "Silver Bullet" as I like to call it is a delectable beer on cheap side of beers. Its very light and easy to drink, they used to have awesome commercials in which John Elway would play football in the mountains, and he was gigantic. Awesomeness. Coors Light is like the short kid, who is good at basketball, but always gets picked second or third in pickup games due to his height. When purchasing beer, Coors Light is never the first choice, but if you do select Coors Light, you will always be happy with it.

1. Smell: At first crack this beer smells great (4/5)
2. Appearance: The silver bullet has a great light color and perhaps the best can/bottle its silver which is cool and when the mountains are blue you know your beer is cold. (5/5)
3. Ability to Drink Large quantities of it: Comes in 30 bombs, and it easy to lose count of how many you downed (5/5)
4. Hangover affect: Coors Light can lead to a slight hangover, maybe its the fact drink 30 at a time or its the Coors Light, either way its a hangover. (3/5)
5. BS affect: Not going to lie, things could get a little loose and liquidity (3/5)
6. Sex Appeal: This beer does not make you any sexier, but def. could lead to sex. (4/5)

(24/30) Not Shabby!

Okay, a quick note about beer opener key chains. Did anyone thing about what exactly they were producing before they did it. Key chain + Beer Opener......

Key chain holds Keys
Keys start Car

Beer Opener opens beers
Beers lead to stupid shit
Beers and Cars don't mix...

Therefore Bottle Opener Keychain equals drunk driving.

I believe beer opener keychains promote drunk driving. I also believe giving free samples at liquor stores promote drunk driving, public intoxication, disturbing the peace, etc... Therefore if you have a bottle opener keychain, and or have been taking free samples at the liquor store your awesome, but be careful.

Crazy C going out for a beer -----

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Wii Fu*k, IFu*k, We all Fu*k -- * Wii Fuck update *


Great photo above, don't know what they are say, but its hysterical.

Anyway I wanted to update all of my readers are the status of Wii Fuck. So as you know I'm developing this great game, and right now I'm writing a pilot for the game. But something was brought to my attention not too long ago by my business partner that could make my game wii fuck, into a reality.

One Catch--- It would no longer be called Wii Fuck, but instead called-----IFUCK----- a new app for your iphones. My business partner altered me that apple is now rating their apps, and allowing some borderline material (http://gizmodo.com/5324809/iwet-t+shirts-yet-another-iphone-app-that-makes-me-shake-my-head-in-shame) we might have a chance. I think apple can give us a X rating that we will so graciously deserve. I am planning to pitch this idea to the makers of Iwet t-shirts relatively soon. So everyone needs to keep their fingers crossed because you could be get ifucked on an iphone soon.

Have a great fuc*ing day

Crazy C going out for a beer----- than going to try to Ifu*k someone...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Beer Review: Michelob Golden Light

Beer Review: Michelob Golden Light

This weekend was one filled with beer drinking on top of beer drinking. I would like to thank everyone who participated in the weekend. It was a lot of fun. Anyway on to the point of this post. I drink a lot of beer, I love beer, I like to buy beer, I like a lot of different kinds of beer and so every Tuesday I will review all sorts of different beers and grade them.

Today's Beer: Michelob Golden Light, and it got my highest rating of a happy face :). Brief overview of Michelob Golden Light:

Brewer: Anheuser-Busch
Alcohol Content: 4.3%
Calories: 110
Carbs: 7

Named for
after Michelob, a Bohemian village near Saaz, famous for its Saaz Hops. Also named for its Golden color, lightness, and Golden feeling you feel after drinking a case of Michelob Golden light.

My own quick overview, it should be named awesome because MGL is awesome.
Michelob Golden Light is like getting dry humped by your high school girlfriend for the first time. Magical, and left you wanting more. Which is exactly the feeling you get when you sip a Michelob Golden Light. Lucky you can have more. The question is why is this such a good beer?

Answer:

Crazy Chicagoan six criteria for rating beer:

1. Smell : Must not stank.... Michelob Golden Light smells like fresh Beer (4/5)
2. Appearance: Great coloring, not a lot of head, bubbles bubbling, cool (not rounded) can. Testimonial from Aaron Heller: "The can is awesome, as it isnt like any other beer can i have ever seen!" MGL scores a (5/5)
3. Ability to Drink Large quantities of it: Testimonial from Dan Raffe :
"you can drink it for 12 hours straight and not have any regrets" (5/5)
4. Hangover affect: I drank all day, and was able to get up and drink all day again. (5/5)
5. BS affect: The way a Beer affects your sh*ts. Everything was solid. (5/5)
6. Sex Appeal: Do you look sexy drinking this beer, will this beer lead to more sex: Yes and Yes (4/5)

MGL scores an impressive 28/30.

The only con to MGL it is a little difficult to get. It's available in Wisconsin and Minnesota, and they are starting to carry it in Chicago. It was spotted at the new awesome Jewel in the West Loop.

Overall Michelob Golden Light is a great light beer that leads to happy endings. I highly recommend it if you plan to drink a lot. Or I recommend it if you plan to drink a little. I don't recommend it if you plan not to drink. Because you don't plan to drink.

---Crazy C going out for a Michelob Golden Light.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Moon Walking

40 years ago this week we set foot on the moon. I would like to take some time to reflect on how hard and complicated a task walking on the moon was.

Every step of the process was extremely advanced, building a spaceship, training an astronaut, building spacesuits, etc. The list could go on forever. It is truly amazing what we were able to do 40 years ago. But at the same time I find myself asking If 40 years ago we could launch a spaceship, land and walk on the move, why can't we do things like:

- Have a properly working transit system (CTA you blow)
- Have properly funded and well maintained schools (CPS congratulations on sucking)
- Have a health care system that provides people with health care they need at a price they can afford
- Find a terrorist (Osama) who lives under rocks in the Middle East (Seriously we can't find this fu*king guy)
- Drive on the highway without traffic
- Get a Cubbies World Series
- Have a MOG (half man, half dog: Spaceballs anyone)

The list could on and on. The point is we have done some pretty amazing things in the past 40 years, but some simple necessary tasks have not been solved. I don't like to get political, but I feel that way too much money is being spent on things like sending people to the moon to look for aliens, and not enough money on our basic necessities.

Crazy C going out for a beer ----

Friday, July 17, 2009

Cougars..... Pumas.... and MILF's Oh My

Specificly I would like to talk about three different species:

- Cougars
- Pumas
- MILF'S

A brief description all on all three. MILF is the most common term, made popular by the movie American Pie, MILF is an acronym for mother I would like to fuck. Pretty self explanatory.

Cougar, is an older lady (over the age of 35) who dates younger guys. (Demi Moore is a classic cougar).

Lastly, and my favorite, a Puma, is a younger woman (under the age of 35) who aspires to be, or is developing into a Cougar.

Here is why I'm writing about this subject, we have all of these terms for the females, but there aren't terms for males. Seems weired that its cool for an older lady to date a younger man, and she is consider a Cougar. Cougars are pretty awesome. But an older dude who dates a younger women is known as a pedophile. Not Fair. So I am hear to put an end to all that is unfair. I want to propose that the following terms are put into play.

- Condor: A man who dates women who are younger
Ex: Condor is a brave bird, with a long wingspan, and dangerous talons. Much like a man
who dares to date younger.
- Shark: A man who goes after girls who are already in another relationship
Ex: Sharks are strong creatures who are always swimming in rocky waters. And they love tail.
- Falcon - F.athers who A.warkdly L.ust after C.hicks O.ver N.ineteen.
- Wombat - W.ild O.ld M.en B.oinking A.ttractive T.eenagers

I think these are sufficient, I hope to be a wombat someday (joking). Please feel free to use these freely and openly. And I would love to hear any other terms that people come up with.

Thanks,

Crazy C going out for a beer ---

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Ran-dan-man: Random Dancing Man



Before I get to today's blog, I want to inform all of my avid fans that I will indeed be pitching Wii Fuck to a video game developer. I am writing a proposal, and will let everyone know how things go.

On to the random dancing man, it was suggest to me by a close friend to address the issue of the random dude that dances all alone to try to get attention and tries to get girls to dance with him. The Random Dancing Man, or Ran-Dan-Man, as I like to call it. The Ran-Dan-Man is an interesting species. Lets go over the characteristics of a Ran-Dan-Man:

A- Dances alone on any dance floor
B- This species dance moves are not good, they flails their arms and gyrate body, like a flamingo having a seizure.
C- This species is known for dancing in close proximity to women in hopes they will dance with them.
D- They wear unusually tight, flashy, and downright offensive clothing

These are the general characteristics of a Ran-Dan-Man. To sum up what I'm trying to say, these pathetic dudes dance alone to try to bring attention to themselves, and try to dance with girls in the hope that they will hook up.

Here is the message I want to send to the Ran-Dan-Men across the country. You are lame, your dance moves suck, and you aren't going to hook up with girls by trying to dance with them. I hate that these random dudes will try to start dancing with anyone: Girlfriends, lesbians, wives, etc. Have some respect Ran-Dan-Man, I don't want you dancing with my girl.

I also feel bad for the girls who get roped into dancing with these guys and don't know how to get the Ran-Dan-Man away. I have been in many rescue missions to get Ran-Dan-Men off of certain girls. You can see these girls giving you "the look", the GET THIS FU*KING CREEP OFF OF ME look.

All I'm saying to the Random Dancing Guy, you aren't ever going to get girls by randoming dancing around hoping a girl will notice you. Everyone thinks you are creppy....

Let me know what you think of the Ran-Dan-Man, I'm not a fan.

Crazy C going out for a beer----

Monday, July 13, 2009

Wii Fuck


(NOTE: All material below is copyrighted.)

A couple weekends ago my friends and I came up with a great idea for a Wii video game. The game is appropriately titled Wii Fuck. With the Wii Fuck video game also comes the Wii Fuck video game belt. Which you wear during the game and simulate the thrusting motion of sex.

Basis of the game: You create a character, male or female, and you start your adventure. The ultimate goal is to have sex with many people, to become a sex master / sex icon if you will. But nothing comes easy in the Wii Fuck world.

You need to go around to bars and other community places and work your "game" on potential sex partners. There are a series of mini games which if you complete, makes it easier to pick up potential mates. Mini games will help your character: become more appealing to potential mates, will give your character better pick-up lines, will help your character analyze potential mates for possible problems better, will help your character become better at Wii Fucking so you can have repeat sex etc.

So on to the part everyone wants to know about the actual Wii Fucking. To successfully wii fuck a partner, one must thrust using the Wii belt, hard enough and long enough to satisfy that particular girls wii fuck meter. Note: Different mates have different wii fuck meters. (i.e., more experienced girls take longer, etc.)

Wii Fuck obstacles: There are always obstacles in games same goes for Wii Fuck. Example obstacles are:

- Money problems - don't spend to much buying mates drinks, because you are on a budget.
- Adult beverages - Be careful, if you give a potential mate to many drinks there could be problems.
- Wrap it up - You have the option in Wii Fuck to wear protection if you do its harder successfully wii fuck someone. But, if you don't wrap it up, you could end up with kids or diseases. Which ultimately makes it very hard to find mates. (Note: Crazy Chicagoan always encourages people to have safe sex, Wii or not.)
- Be careful - You don't want to have Wii sex with underage people, that will land you in jail.

Those are some examples of obstacles.

Overall you get the idea of the game, I hope you enjoy, and I'm open for suggestions or comments.

NOTE: THIS IS ALL FOR FUN, DON'T TAKE ANYTHING IN HERE TO SERIOUSLY......

Thanks.

Crazy C going out for a beer ----

Friday, July 10, 2009

Mom.... Get off of Facebook


Alright so today I am blogging about something that I don't like and annoys me very much. No I'm not going to talk about White Sox fans, Sarah Palin or Al Sharpton. I'm going to talk about my mom, and mothers all over the world being on facebook.

Facebook needs an age maximum, nobody over the age of 35 should be allowed on facebook. They should make a separate facebook for them. Here is why I believe mothers or anyone over the age of 35 should be allowed on facebook.

Facebook is a place where tweens, teens and young adults spend hours a day posting pictures, planning there social life, joking with friends, stalking people they use to like, stalking people they hate, etc. Personally I feel there is a lot of stuff on facebook that is personal and inappropriate for mothers to see. Most people go out on a Friday and Saturday night, and can see their night in pictures the morning after. If you asked me if I would want my mother to see what I do on Friday and Saturday nights. I like most other people I know would say no.

Its awkward having your mom comment on photos. Like everyone on facebook I have pictures of myself drinking excessively, doing other inappropriate recreational activities, pictures where all of my clothes may not be properly on, among other wild activities that take place during social activities. Not only does she comment of photos, she makes comments to my friends about their status messages, she posts on their walls.

Facebook is very much like the basement in high school. Teens do there teen things down there, and parents stay away. It should be the same for facebook. Parents stay away.

Mom, get off of facebook.... (note: I love my mother, but facebook is no place for her. In her eyes I'm still Innocent, and I would hate for her to know the truth.)

Monday, July 6, 2009

STOP.... DROP..... AND.......ROLL

Its good to be back blogging after a long relaxing 4th of July weekend. One common occurrence of the 4th of July weekend is, people are handle fire a lot. Conventionally of course: lighting bonfires, fireworks, sparklers, bug candles etc. This got me thinking about the way kids across America learn about fire, and what to do if there is an accident.

If I remember correctly in about second grade we learn that if we were to catch on fire we should: STOP...... DROP..... AND ROLL. We practiced it in school, we went over it multiple times, it was drilled into our heads. I commend schools for doing such a noble thing, but I think STOP... DROP... AND... ROLL needs to be revised.

Being an expert on all things, I decided STOP....DROP.... AND ROLL.... is f**king stupid and outdated. If I ever caught on fire (knock on wood, I have not up to this point in my life) the last thing I would do is STOP. I'm suppose to STOP and think about myself burning, and then proceed to the next step. NOOOOO.... it should be DROP AND ROLL. If you are on fire either grab a fire extinguisher or drop and f**king roll like your life depends on it, cause it does. STOP is a unnecessary, harmful step in this process.

Luckly, people don't catch on fire all that often, but I would hate for someone to get hurt because they STOPPED before they dropped and rolled. So lesson today, if you catch on fire, drop and roll. Nothing else required.

Crazy C going out for a beer----

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

THE CHAMPS ARE HERE


I was going to blog about something else today, but something happen last night that was a first for me.

I became an intramural sport champion! In a legit sportsmonster highest level tennis league, my team the "Natural Bjorn Winners" took home the title. I never thought this would mean so much to me but it does. Let me give you a little history on my intramural sport experiences.

Intramural sports first came into my life as in college. It started off with football, and as we practiced we looked good, we had plays, positions, coaches and more. We had the whole nine yards which is about as many yards as we averaged a game. I thought we would be able to succeed in the University of Illinois intramural football league. Little did I know that when I walked onto the field with AE on my jersey I was an instant laughing stock. To say the least every other team was bigger, faster, stronger, better passers, better catches, could jump higher, etc. So football was not going to work.


Next, I moved on to basketball, which I thought I was decent at. We played basketball all the time at our frat house, and I was pretty good on the court. So we decided to take it to the intramural court. Again same result, we would get slaughtered every game, lots of fighting between teammates, an overall disaster. Every other team again was bigger, faster, stronger, better shooters, rebounding, etc.


I thought we found our calling with a little known sport called Broomball. This is played on the ice, so being fast doesn't really help. Even being fat can have an advantage, especially when playing goalie. But again everyone was better than us, faster, stronger, scored more, etc.

Moving on, to Dodge ball. I really thought we had found a winner here. All we had to do is get out of the way of sh*t. Not that hard. Season rolls around and we are playing great. We go undefeated in the regular season. We cruise through the playoffs and on to the finals we go. Coming into the finals I thought this was my chance, a golden opportunity. And then walked in the DODGING ILLINI. Those fu*kers, a school dodge ball team, that played nationally, it was ridiculous. They had plays, formations, kill moves. We got killed, wiped off the floors by this group of losers that spend 10 hours a day playing dodge ball. Fu*k you Dodging Illini. Again another intramural disaster.

That was the end of college intramural sports, but now we were out of college still nonathletic but we were smarter. We thought we out smarted the system when we signed up for the JCC (Jewish Community Center) basketball league. Finally, playing against 5'6 - 5'10 hairy, slow jewish kids like ourselves. WRONG. We turned out the be the only jews, and only nonathletic team in the league and again leading to disaster. (note: We did beat a team of randoms)

I was really down after that, until now that is, because I have been given new life.

I would like to give much thanks to Hillary, Becca, and Blum my beloved "Natural Bjorn Winners" tennis teammates. We were solid throughout the entire season, made it through rain outs, freezing weather, unbearable heat, breakdowns, broken rackets, and a occasional lose. But when pushed up against a wall, the Natural Bjorn Winners pushed back with force. Last night in a double header, under the lights on Waveland and Lakeshore, The Natural Bjorn Winners brought home a smashing victory. "The Natural Bjorn Winners", will forever have a special place in my heart. Thank you guys!

Crazy C going out for a beer ---


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Gaping Gapers Block


I don't hate many things in life, but one thing I do hate is traffic. Being from Chicago there is always traffic. To me there are two kinds of traffic:

1- Cluster Fu*k traffic: When there are just too many people on the road, due to the over population of our city coupled by the fact that everyone goes to work, and comes home from work at the same time and it causes a Cluster Fu*k on the roads.

2- Dumb fu*k traffic: This traffic occurs when a dumb fu*k gets into an accident, and dumb fu*ks on both sides of traffic feel the need to slow down and stare at dumb fu*k number 1. (note: accidents do happen, so in some cases dumb fu*k traffic is not caused by dumb fu*ks.

Dumb fu*k traffic is usually called, or referred to as a Gapers Block.

I have a huge problem with this term, mainly because "Gape" or "Gaping" or "Gapers" has two meanings ( Gape can be a verb or noun) which can make the term Gapers Block mean two opposite things. (note: This is fu*king annoying, the English language sucks balls. Sidenote: Brazil should be spelled Brasil as well.). The dictionary definition of Gapes:

- –verb (used without object)
1. to stare with open mouth, as in wonder.
–noun
2. a wide opening; gap; breach

Like I said those of us who watch porn every once in a while know that gaping is something that is wide open. (whispering eyes) and something that you absolutely don't want to stare at.

I don't understand why Gape needs two different definitions, one is sufficient. Make up a different word Webster. Webster is a biotch.

Anyway, If anyone uses the word Gapers Block, please correct them because now, its officially known as a DUMB FU*K BLOCK.

Thank you,

Crazy C going out for a beer.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Are You Down With Chex Mix Pretzels?


As you can see from my face at the left this is going to be my WEIRD face for WEIRD posts.


The other day I was in a intense conversation with one of my good friends. The subject of our intense conversation: What is your favorite Chex Mix piece and why?

It's a very good question with lots of possibilities. First off, Chex Mix is a great snack loved by millions, and we were talking about there "Traditional" mix. After much debate we came up with one thing we agreed upon.

The Chex Mix Pretzel is by far the worst piece in the bag. If I wanted pretzels, I would have ate a bag of Pretzels. Not a bag of the Chex Mix Pretzels though, they are two different pretzels in a traditional Chex Mix bag, windows and circles, bottom line there isn't much substance to them. Which makes them insignifcant to eat. Unlike the Chex Mix breadsticks, If I wanted a bag of those, I simply couldn't get them.

If I'm going to eat pretzels, I either want them in stick form (so you can lick the salt off of them unitl they are white, and then pretend you are smoking...cool). Or in soft form, in which you can dip them into all sorts of fun sauces, and they're warm. Can't get any better than that.

So back to the orginal question: What is the best Chex Mix piece and why?

My answer: The dark rye chip - Most substance, Most flavor, Crunchy, and they are easy to pick out of the bag (Like Darius Rucker at the CMT awards).

But that is only my opinion, I would like yours: So please respond with your favorite Chex Mix piece and why?

The person with the best answer gets a bag of Chex Mix on me!

-- I would like to thank A.H., for contributing to this post--

Crazy C going out for Beer ---

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

BRAVO TV .... BRAVO on sucking



So as you see the face at the side represents how I feel about this subject. Subject being: BRAVO TV...

Bravo TV is garbage, their shows are terrible, fake, and overall more harmful to the United States of America than North Korea.

Here is the biggest problem : Bravo TV claims some of their shows are reality TV..... which is crap... If they were to label themselves: EXTREMELY OVER DRAMATIZED REAL PEOPLE, IN MADE FOR TV SITUATIONS, WHILE TRY TO BE SOMETHING THEY AREN'T FOR THE CAMERA .... TV I would have no problem with Bravo.


Let's start with The Real Housewives:

Problem: Very few of them are actually "Housewifes": By definition (a housewife is a married woman who manages her own household, esp. as her principal occupation. )

- Getting your nails done while bit**ing about some other ugly lady getting fake boobs, does not constitute as managing the household.

- Yelling at your nanny, to get the maid, to clean up after your child, who you never see does not constitute as manging the household.

- Having no husband = no housewife

Problem: The "fights" on these shows are over dramatized, not real, and made for TV.

- Getting a fellow "housewife" drunk, and having your teenage son try to f*** her: Never f**king happens

- Flipping over a table, at an extremely nice restaurant, because some ex-stripper, coke head, name changing, mother of two called out a different housewife: Never f**king happens

- Going into a hot shot recording studio, to record an album, WHEN YOU CAN'T F**KING SING A NOTE : Never f**king happens.

BRAVO TV, do you think that these random outrageous things happen and you are lucky enough to catch them on camera.....Ha Ha.

This new show really put me over the edge last night:NYC PREP

Problem: 15, 16, 17 year olds, run around the New York City, going to clubs, upscale restaurants, and fashion events without any problems, limits, or parents to be found anywhere. Bullsh**

I know kids are more mature now at younger ages, but really, 15 years old drinking at clubs in New York City, doing drugs, and hooking up with "16" girls a month. My ass, you are 15, you look 15, and any club that allows kids like that in their club, are SHUTDOWN.

16 year old living in the city with only her 18 year old brother, parents live in the hamptons.
Bullsh** somebody should take those kids away, if that's the truth.


Bottom Line is SAY WHAT YOU ARE, if BRAVO considers these shows, reality TV, they are lying to everyone.

Please feel free to discuss!

Crazy C going out for Beer---